After all the lies, I want the bittersweet truth of the blade

er....ok

2009-10-26T03:25:03Z

At some point, my user pic was changed. What makes this interesting is the fact that I had the file saved to my computer and edited to size, meaning it was not a direct link. So in essence, someone that isn't me has access to my lj. What makes this even better is the fact that I really kinda like the picture.
Thanks :)

Dog days and other bullshit

2009-06-19T03:31:55Z

What it is about June....
I feel like I'm walking on glass most of the time here.
Something has set me on edge, and it won't go away. I can't find it, but it's picking at me.

Although I'm not attacking myself mentally, that pressure, and the sense of awfulness is still there, lurking in the corner.
If there is a culprit to be had, I cannot find him to point the finger. Nonetheless I find myself walking a thin line with my emotions. The longer this goes on, the more prone I am to starting the attacks on myself. Knowing that this is the case, my neurosis makes me even more uneasy...fun little cycle that one. But that is besides the point....what I'm getting at here is essentially this: What the hell is going on here?
Why am i more prone to freak-outs? Why am I more restless and desperate for mental contact all the time? Why have my thoughts turned so morbid?
In a lot of ways, I feel like I'm sliding backwards. For a while there, I was doing really well. It was easy to look back and say....wow look how far I've come!
It is painfully obvious to me now that I have a long way to go.
Whatever this insanity is, it needs to piss off and leave me alone.
I'm tired of sleepless nights, bizarre impromptu crying sessions, and a dogging restlessness.

Perhaps the most irritating part of this is the fact that I can recognize my own behavior as irrational, yet any attempt made to control or redirect such emotions and thoughts leads to a break down of control itself.
Rather than going, "oh that was silly, I'm so glad I decided to do xyz and calm down"
it ends up being "xyz as an attempt at calming myself and reasserting some measure of sanity has failed, and instead caused me to have a panic attack. Because, you know, freecell (or insert any xyz type activity here) is stressful."
The closer I get to freaking out, the more aware of my logical fallacies I become (until such a point as it ceases to matter). At least in my own mind, its very much so like arguing with bug's bunny. You can argue with as much logic (or il-logic) as you want, doesn't make any difference at all.

It must seem a simple task to those of you unfamiliar with the process.
Calm down, don't allow yourself to dwell on this, go focus your mind with another thing. With proper willpower and application this will work. If it fails, it shows a lacking in one of these areas yes? But what happens when you are concentrating on that other thing? Personally, I know that just because I stop listening to it, doesn't mean my mind shuts up about it. I can be wholly absorbed in a task, finish it, and find out my brain has just been waiting patiently to continue. If I don't dwell on any one thing my mind is still up to to the task of bringing me down as it has an arsenal so large that it spans my entire life.

Every single day, and in fact, sometimes as frequently as every hour I'm willing to be that you do something silly or regrettable that is barely noticeable. You stumble a little bit, you slop a drop of water on the counter, you close the door a little too hard, you remember that you forgot to grab something, you drop a pencil, you put off the laundry until after dinner, you make a spelling error, a poor judgment call in a game, lose track of time.
It's not even important. But suddenly, every instance of that my brain can recall happening is a weapon against me. It's evidence of my wrongdoings and shortcomings. And it's easy to fight them off, even several at a time. But when hundreds and hundreds of them flood my brain, it becomes overwhelming. Because the barrage has to be processed and filtered or at the very least classified as garbage before any action can be taken. Even bailing them out of my head by the dozens leaves plenty of time for one argument to sneak in.

And that's all it takes. One: because each and every one of the hundreds of arguments my brain assaults me with proves beyond a doubt that I am a worthless piece of shit. Of course, the rational part of me goes into a frenzy at this point, arguing why this isn't so, how this is irrational and oh, here is the evidence against it.

If it's gotten to the point where one of the arguments gets past my defenses though, it's too late. I can argue with myself from here to kingdom come, but whatever that awful little voice has said is now effectively law. It doesn't matter that it doesn't make any sense, or that it's not true, that is simply the way it is. It doesn't make any sense that me dropping a pencil earlier makes me an awful and terrible human being who is constantly clumsy, and who is probably going to kill someone out of a sheer lack of proper bodily control. But I still feel like it's true. Trust me when I tell you, that feeling sucks.

The more worthless I feel, the harder it is to fight the rest of the arguments.
For some reason I've found myself walking the borders of my inner abyss. The attacks haven't come yet, but I'm close to it. It's maddening! I've just written a wall of text about nothing to try and reason it out. (apparently without any luck)
*Sigh* If anyone wants to clue me in on the cause of this I would appreciate it.

Huh...thats strange

2009-06-02T22:53:08Z

I haven't ever been asked to pick my own interview date after turning in an application before.

Music and my brain

2009-05-05T04:45:37Z

Sometimes I turn on the music to turn my brain off.

There are so many ways in which I want to make a difference in our world, our society, our city.
Where to start?

What would happen if I started a documentary about a prison inmate there on possession charges? Would it change anything? Would anyone listen?
What if I started a program to really TEACH children something? Lets play a game called learn something new. We can go to the zoo or play in the sand, or make ice-cream...whatever you decide. As for any questions you may have: I will do my best to answer them or show you how to find the answers. Let’s take a look at how wonderful and awesome everything is. Did you know that bamboo grows insanely fast? Fast enough to tower over your house in months? How about the fact that there are fish that glow...for a reason too. And that you can make that glow-ey stuff that they have by mixing some of this stuff together? Let’s talk about history. Why was this dude important? Let’s play act and we will see!
Would strangers be willing to give me their children? Could I make something like this work for more than one child at time? Will it make a difference?
Can I help people educate themselves to make informed decisions in both politics, and day to day living? Assuming I can, how can I help this program spread without breaking down?
Are any of these ideas viable with my terribly limited budget?

How about the people whom I cannot help? What on earth do I do with them? Some people do not want to educate themselves. Some people really DO dig their own holes. Some children are mean and defiant, as are some parents.
At what point do I pull out of a project or decline an applicant? What are the contingency plans for everything?

I am just young enough to think that perhaps I can make a difference one small step at a time. And I'm just jaded enough that I'm terrified to try. I know what people are capable of doing to each-other. I know what any of these projects would take from me.
Is it worth it?

Something in me refuses to give up on these things sometimes. And the ideas start flowing; the good the bad, the probable and infeasible they all start a cacophony of noise in my head.
The computer blinds my eyes to these visions. Music deafens my ears to my minds insane pleads. And for a while, I have some peace.

Anyone else suffer from this insanity?

Titty Bars

2009-02-25T02:47:45Z

My sense of humor must be warped. I find it terribly funny that what finally threw me onto the bandwagon of fitness was "fuck, I'm too fat to work in a titty bar."
Don't get me wrong, I don't think I look terrible BUT I'm not skinny. My body type however allows for that possibility and it would be WONDERFUL to be able to lift more than 50lbs without a struggle again. To be able to run a mile without wheezing pitifully.
I'm excited for this.
Thank you titty bars!!!!

Also, eating healthy is really really hard when everyone else kinda wants junk-food rather than health food around. I can't seem to work out how to make this work for me. I don't always want to come home and spend hours cooking for one. If I don't take quite a bit of time to go get healthy food and make it though my options are pretty limited.
Ah, well one step at a time right?
Maybe I can talk other people in the house into healthier foods :)

That's my two cents for the day.

head meet desk...desk, meet head.

2008-07-30T04:46:45Z

If I'm going to be honest here, I have to admit that I am pulling for Obama in the presidential race.

Right here is where I am supposed to insert the political rant about how wonderful Obama is and what a terrible person McCain is.
But lets skip that.
I'm not crazy about Obama but at this point I find there is no better alternative.

My reasons?
Getting right down to the meat and bones portions I would have to say it centers largely on the McCain gaffes that have been popping up like mad.
Example 1.: Iraq/ Pakistan border
Example 2: "Its common knowledge that Al Qaeda is going back into Iraq to receive terrorist training."
Example 3: Confusing Shiites with sunnies
Example 4: The Anbar awakening caused by the surge.

Now don't get me wrong. I don't actually expect anyone running for office to KNOW all of this off the top of their heads. I'm terrible with geography myself and not terribly well versed in religious matters.

But what gets me about this is that he is paying people lots of money to do it for him....and its still not getting done properly. How much do you think you would need to pay someone to double check your facts on key issues involving the war? If this is how poorly his campaign is run....I shudder to think of how his administration will be running three years down the line.

The reason I am actually supporting Obama?
People THINK he is going to help them bring in real change. Motivated people can do a hell of a lot, and its gonna take some man-power to get us back into shape. Do I think Obama's plans are gonna be a magic fix it? No, I am doubtful that they themselves will do much. However, there will be people cheering the plans on and finding ways to make them work....thats what I believe.
It essentially boils down to this then. Obama is charismatic and has a following. This translates roughly into power to DO things. The people he hires to keep him looking sharp and informed do their jobs at least semi competently.
Rock on.

kaishlors_child @ 2008-07-11T20:35:00

2008-07-12T01:29:15Z

With all of the political propaganda floating around on the internet I found myself entertaining a strange thought.
Most candidates strive to appease the masses. However, I've noticed that often in doing so they dumb themselves down, provide unreliable stances on important issues and get cajoled into corners that should be easy to avoid.
Why then do candidates almost invariably take this route?
If I could get across one simple message to any worthy candidate it would be this.

Do not speak to the sheep. Instead speak to the wolves and dogs that hide among them.

If you could persuade enough strong, intelligent people to your cause they would in turn herd the masses behind them.

I admit to being possessed with the niavety of youth without a gift of genius or the inspiring passion that compels the movers and shakers of the world. But I have a voice, and it is heard by more than you would suspect. When my inexperience leads me astray, I am wise enough to listen to the words of those who know better. Why then do you not speak to me? I am no dolt who struggles to understand important concepts. When you are gone dear sir, it is I who will remain to carry the burdens of your legacy. Do I not posses the right to glimpse what burden I am signing my name for?

This game tires me. I struggle for truth and evidence only to be bombarded with trivial facts.
WOW you mean our future President punched someone once in the third grade? Oh, well then, he's obviously unfit for office. No one with a fine moral fiber or intellect would do such a thing at the ripe old age of 8.

And even when I am able to dig past mountains of useless junk to the real jewels i find them clouded and small.
Almost invariably I run into oversimplification that leaves the true message murky and hard to detect.
Effectively Ecstatic vs happy.

As elections draw closer these problems are exaggerated more and more.

Ah, well. I suppose the whole point of this rant was to say : I understand now why so many people never bother to vote.

awe

2008-06-01T05:24:14Z

I looked up at the sky, and really saw it. I am so small.

You could fit a million billion of me into that sky and still it would not be enough. Each of us is so insignificant. Even the movers and shakers are relative. If you took out any of the world leaders through a natural death, still the movements of society would grind on. If I vanished tonight, the impact would be so small. It seems that some people are the oil in a giant machine that is humanity, it keeps things running more smoothly yes. But even without them, the machine churns on. A pharaoh dies and the empire continues. A slave dies, and the empire continues. In the end, a single life is relative. It brings us pain, and grief to see the lives of those we love snuffed out. And so it is we fight to protect them. We fight against murderers, and diseases, against thieves and famines. But it seems to me that sometimes we forget what it is we are truly fighting for. A cog breaks in the great machine, and the ones around it feel a terrible burden. When a cog is under too much stress, its true function and purpose isn't met. There is no peace, or joy in it any longer. These are the things we are fighting. Why then do we seek and destroy parts that function differently? I do not expect that people should live in perfect peace and harmony, but I wish more of us could look up and see the sky. I am so small, and without the entirety of humans to back me up, I am but a speck in an infinite universe. One person alone could never hope to accomplish the whole of what humans are capable of.

I see a universe of infinite possibilities. its almost impossible to imagine the scope of ones size against the infinite backdrop of time. How many people did it take to create the internet? A few dozen? That seems like an awful lot of power that a single mote can wield. But take into account this. It could never have been done without electricity, or the wielding of fire, or the invention of medicines and buildings which kept our ancestors alive. How many people? All of the ones who influenced the teachings and characters of our greatest movers and shakers, and all the ones who influenced those before them.

Remember all the people of the world, and look to the sky, seeing how small you are in comparison.

kaishlors_child @ 2008-05-16T10:35:00

2008-05-16T15:05:07Z

I woke up this morning adn discovered that alas, I still do not possess any supernatural powers.I am still just your average joe, working a menial job.
Its not really a crushing realization, its just that dissapointed "oh...."
The wonderful thing about books is also the most terrible you see. Any beloved protagonist invariably has some earth shattering problems to cope with, and work around. All of their emotional turmoil is JUSTIFIED. Of course they were upset when they saw their best friend get shot in a battle to save the world! And so it is, despite the fact that most of our hero's and heroin's have to suffer immensely, that we wish we were living out a tale like that. It is so much easier to cope when you feel justified in your discontents.

I deal with snobby, hungry people all day. Some of them are real asses but I put on my best smile and serve them their sandwich.
When I come home weary from having done nothing important for six hours it feels somehow undeserved. Everyone else does this all the time, there is no exceptional misery to be found. Just a slow grinding down of...me. There is no villain to rail against, no secret card to be played. I have no allies to call in to help me save something from dire peril. Its just a sandwich place and the most dire peril we will be facing today is a sandwich that was messed up.

I have to awesome battle to fight, no world or society to save....and way too much time to do nothing with.

The days that were

2008-05-04T01:51:44Z

I wonder sometimes, how it came to be so. Someone I have known for almost 8 years...

Once upon a time, I respected him, even aspired to be like him, clever, witty, and so intelligent. Gods, he was the only intelligent being in Lake orion it seemed.

Now however, I find myself appalled at what he is. Stupid, stupid decisions, day in, and day out. No confidence, or charm to be found. Why do you do this to yourself? Must you really drink and smoke, and pop magic little pills? Why? You were brilliant and now, now you can hardly muster up the cognitive powers to realize when you are being insulted.

I can only hope that one day you will wake from this, learn from it, and leave it. I won't hold my breath.

hmm

2008-04-23T18:16:19Z

killing time.

staring at the computer screen, hoping it will take me somewhere interesting, show me something new.

Little bits of jingles floating around in my head as bubbles would. Each playing an interesting line, or tune when burst, that quickly dies out and fades into the music from the next one.

Sometimes I wonder at the strangeness in my own mind.

I come to the strangest conclusions do the strangest little dances in there. What would happen if other people could see inside of it like I do?

Superman as a toothpaste, duck tape wars in public places........
it would be interesting at least.

It seems my fingers are having a hard time keeping up with my brain. A million zillion zillion thoughts a minute. And it seems to be coming out kind of garbled. Obviously, I can't type that quickly, so you get every hundredth thought or so, that I am able to pause long enough to construct into words. Which leaves you, the unfortunate reader with a message something like this: The cheese...is duckboots.....with a silver platypus.....dancing VCR's.....at the mall book store!

Perhaps it is time for me to stop tormenting you then, and go chasing around those bubbles of music as a werewolf would play hide and go seek with his coloring book.

Ahhh it ate my car!!!!

2008-03-07T05:12:18Z

Recently (meaning oh two days ago) Olesh blew out a tire driving in to work. A massive pot-hole chewed a hole in the side wall leaving us stranded at work until we received some assistance from his dad.
My car decided to take a crap on me, and my exhaust pipe broke leaving it noisy as hell and running like shit.

Today, I decided that I would run my car up to the nearest repair shop and get it fixed up. I called up one of my friends and asked her if she would assist me by driving behind me so I wouldn't be stranded at a repair shop for a few hours as Olesh was at work, and immediately after work, he had to help his dad with some furniture retrieval. The car was dropped off without a hitch, repaired and a good time had by all. My friend and I head back to the house with my newly repaired car and make dinner and just hang out. 10 O'Clock comes around and she decides to head back.
10 minutes later, we get a phone call. Tire blew out. She hit a monstrous pot-hole and heard the death scream of her beloved tire. Although she had the tools, and the spare, she couldn't get the tire off. So we drove over to where she was, keeping an eye out for the lurking beast that decided to take a bite out of her car. We arrive without having seen it. Obviously something blew out the tire... and so the search commences. After a short trek down the road we discover not one, or two, or three potholes, but a whole series of pot-holes on steroids. The stud that we suspect took out her tire (and her entire rim to boot) was about 2 feet long and had its own mini pot-holes inside of it. The best part of course was that even though we were LOOKING for this beast, it couldn't be seen until you were right on top of it.

Now maybe its just in the small area I generally travel in, but has anyone else noticed that the roads have slipped into such a state of disrepair that pot-holes are springing up like pimples on an oily face?
It seems like everywhere I go I see roads weeping because they were not fortunate enough to be cared for. The sides are crumbling away, cracks run down the lanes, and cavernous pits on the road are more frequently seen than stoplights.

Whoah. Kinda went off an a tangent there. Anyways, I guess this post was really all just leading up to this....
Is there anything we can actually DO about it?

Frustrations

2008-03-03T14:43:07Z

Well, today I was doing some job searching and it has left me a little down-hearted.

See, I enjoy my job at potbelly for the most part. The employees are pretty great, and the job itself is highly interactive without being commission based. The downside is that it is basically a fast food job. Limited to no job advancement opportunities and a base pay of (you guessed it) minimum wage. If I am really interested in going places (and I am) this isn't going to cut it by itself. The job is part time, no employee will be scheduled for more than 35 hours, period. Otherwise, if they have to stay late for some reason or another they might *gasp* be paid overtime!

While I am saving money, it is going oh so slowly. Looking at rising grocery prices, high gas prices, and incredible markups on basics like oh....car insurance means that realistically I need to be making more than 7.25 if I want to pay my way through school (and not land myself in a huge pile of debt)

But getting back to the job hunt.

I started off looking in the classifieds in the newspapers. 90% of the jobs offered required education or experience I don't (and realistically couldn't) have at the ripe old age of 19. I expected that. Another 8% were the kind of bogus jobs that set off red flags. MAKE TONS OF MONEY FROM HOME NOW!!!!! MAKE UP TO 80K A YEAR! NO EXPERIENCE NEEDED! sort of thing. The last 2%? Restaurant jobs. Still feeling determined, I decided to hit up the internet.

Now here is where things get really depressing. All of the major newspaper sites have so many job listings that they are sorted into categories, then sub-categories, and then listed. What made this part so much fun for me was that it is impractical for me to look into areas where I have little to no experience as I would have to sift through hundreds or thousands of job postings in each category looking for just one that doesn't require qualifications I cannot currently hope to meet. After browsing through what looked like the most promising of the category selections, I quickly became overwhelmed.

One would think that with a proficient working knowledge of Microsoft Office tools, some common sense, and a solid job history, it would be possible to land a job as an accountant. Let me note here that the job description typically includes such things as answering phones, customer service, and general office duties. Apparently, in order to do those things competently you need at least 3-5 years experience working in an office, or barring that, you need to currently be managing a retail store.

After a couple of hours of searching I decided to abandon the newspapers on-line services and look for jobs on such sites as monster and career-builder.com Another massive let-down. No, I do not want to pay to post my resume on-line. No, I do not want to sponsor your advertisers by signing up for free* penis enlargement. After finally jumping through all of the hoops conveniently provided for me, I got to the end where all of the promised jobs were waiting! Only to discover that it was the same set-up as the newspapers were carrying and that if I wanted anything different, I would have to pay a pretty penny.

Its great that those with experience in a given field can quickly locate a job. Its fantastic that there are so many job listings and that companies take themselves seriously enough to have requirements.
But its still frustrating when I know that I am capable of doing a job well, and I'm disqualified before I even get to send a resume.

kaishlors_child @ 2008-03-02T11:39:00

2008-03-02T16:46:58Z

I'm hoping this works. I plan to hit up the troy library today and hunt down some books for drawings.
I've always been interested in it, but....well, there are only so many electives you can choose in High School....and as much as I enjoy it, I cannot really justify spending money to attend a formal class.
I've been experiencing some frustrations as far as drawing realistic people though. As nice as online tutorials are....well. They only cover some very basic things. I am hoping that the library has some books on shading, and possibly on human figures. I know that the one in LO did so....cross your fingers for me?

kaishlors_child @ 2008-02-27T10:19:00

2008-02-27T15:36:38Z

Hmmm.
I find myself in an interesting situation.
I suppose that a little background information might help.
When I was living in Lake Orion, I hung out with some pretty terrible people. They were stupid, had no ambition, and just generally wasted themselves.
When I left L.O. I broke off ties with 99% of them. After meeting some of the people Olesh associates with, I cannot believe that at one point I actually enjoyed their company. They are not good people.
RIght, not a big deal, make new friends.
The trouble is, I live in Troy now and I don't really know anybody outside the D&D group that I can hang out with. Outside of work, there just....aren't that many people I see.
How does one go about finding good people to hang out with?
As much fun as my fellow workers are, most of them are not people I would want to associate myself with. I am not attending school, and there isn't much to do in troy outside of hitting restaurants.
I am just...at a loss.

kaishlors_child @ 2008-01-14T01:31:00

2008-01-14T06:37:23Z

i have discovered that i find people frightening.
some people actually believe terrible terrible things about others they have never even met!
i cannot wrap my mind around it.

how can you hate someone you have never met before?

if i told you someone killed 3 people...would u hate them instantly?
what if they were protecting THOUSANDS. what if the deaths were accidental?
i just....
i cannot understand.

kaishlors_child @ 2007-10-07T22:37:00

2007-10-08T02:38:08Z

that was terrible news. and i think, just about the most depressing email i have ever received. i don't even know what to say.
i am so sorry.

kaishlors_child @ 2007-09-29T14:25:00

2007-09-29T18:29:12Z

this shall be my last post in cuttingimage.
i wish you all the best of luck and good health
feel free to contact me at anytime, i will still have the same lj name and check lj frequently.
peace.

strange musings.

2007-09-20T06:48:28Z

something i am curious about....
anyone else here like to do a TON of little cuts?
i usually end up doing at least one big one,
but it always starts out with just a zillion little ones....and it seems like most of you who post pictures prefer the deep ones....so i am curious.
anyone else do it like that?

GRRRRRRRr

2007-09-10T23:08:43Z

there are very few times when i feel violent towards another person.
this is one of those times.

bitch. if one more lie comes out of your mouth to destroy the friendships i am rebuilding, my relationship, or my life.
i will hunt you down, and make you hurt
a cut and scar to bear for each invisible one you left on me.
fuck with me again.
i dare you.

kaishlors_child @ 2007-08-27T07:26:00

2007-08-27T11:47:41Z

i don't even know how i am going to do this. somehow, i need to get the courage to talk to my parents, and ask them to get me a psychologist.

its just, i can't do this anymore. i'm so tired of hating myself, of everything always being my fault, of feeling like everything is so messed up all the time. and i always try to fix it, or hide it behind a happy smile, and annoyingly chipper personality.
no more.
please.
just one day in my life to understand and be ok with just...everything.
i push the people i care for away. i hurt myself, i hurt them, and then i reach a critical meltdown. can't hold it in, can't let it out, not enough, nothing nothing nothing there.
i hate my everything. i am good enough for no one and nothing.
and even if by some miracle i am still conciously aware of how silly all these thoughts are...i can't stop them.
i'm reduced to panic attacks, and sobbing, and bloody razors. to the point of non functioning.
i can't do anything but ride it out.
but after all this, all that i have lived through...why can i not beat this thing? if i could go to school and pretend for hundreds of people every day. pretend in a household were sorrow was not allowed...why is it now that this thing is tearing me apart.
if it will not be contained, then let me release it.
tell the whole story, the truth, and the lies i feed myself. every part of that which now consumes me to a person i would not feel guilty for telling.

the only problem is....
how do you explain it to the people who helped cause it.
what will i say if my mother asks me one simple question.
why? the answer i would wish to give is so simple.
"Because I desperately want to hate you all, but I can't, and so I hate myself instead..."

please, if any of you have done this, or have any advice, or hells, even if you just have some kind words for me, comment.

ding lightbulb!

2007-08-27T11:22:49Z

because everyone i have met so far in the community is freaking awesome, i have an idea.
it would be pretty sweet to be able to talk to you guys outside of the posts sometimes, and i have seen a lot of aim names floating around various entries recently,
so....
if you are at all interested in getting in contact with the other peoples here, leave a comment to this post with an im name people can reach you at.
that way, we can
1. know which lj user we are talking to with a quick peek back at the comments,
2. actually learn the im names to put in our buddy lists.
3. get in a conversation of sorts with people who understand when you need it most.

my own aim name is strippedfrog23

[ p.s. you may contact me anytime (even if i am offline i will get the message and get back to you a.s.a.p) ]

impossible dreams

2007-08-11T11:07:49Z

something inside me screams for release.
but the razor is not enough.
no pills,
or needles
can quiet this thing

there is something inside me that can't be denied.
it will be heard and felt and done.

i have no words for it.
it is not the adoration of a special soulmate,
nor is it a burning artistic passion.

i am not on a quest to be rich, or famous or powerful....
it is something else.

and it will not be still.

i want to give people, hundreds of thousands of people something beautiful.
to share with them this thing that is inside me.

when the world looks beautiful, and that bubbly, feeling of goodness is welled up inside you to the point of bursting....
liquid sunshine, running through your veins
i want to give that to someone else.

i want them to have that from me.
each person is a wonderful beautiful thing, to be cherished and celebrated.

think about it.
even the people you despise,
they have an enormous story behind them that you will never know.
trillions of sights, and sounds, and feelings and memories that you will never be privy to.

everyone hurts people....but oh the wondrous things we do for each other.

i wish i could bottle it all up somehow, and give it to everyone.

and i feel so silly, and naive thinking like this, because i don't seem to have the means, and the odds are...well....i could win the lottery too....but even knowing how ridiculous it is, i can't help it.

i don't want to change the world, or leave my footprint on it....no.
i want to make it smile.

kaishlors_child @ 2007-08-03T13:32:00

2007-08-03T17:35:38Z

the me that was me then, has given me some good advice.
no fear.

yeah.....

2007-08-01T14:45:54Z

ok. its wednessday. today, and tommorow. i have 2 days left before the trek is made. 2 days. i can do this.
no cuts, i can do this.

has anyone else here done something like this?
gone to face something that haunts them, and everything they do?
these people are a large part of every one of the cuts i have.
and i am trying to prove to me that they no longer have a say in it.
they cannot do those things to me anymore.
not ever. how do i prepare myself for this?
is this really just a terrible terrible idea?
lol, wow,
why am i posting this like you guys care....
what in the hell does this mean to you guys
some chick babling about going into hicksville again....and acting like its the end of the world.