kaishlors_child

At some point, my user pic was changed. What makes this interesting is the fact that I had the file saved to my computer and edited to size, meaning it was not a direct link. So in essence, someone that isn't me has access to my lj. What makes this even better is the fact that I really kinda like the picture.
Thanks    :)

What it is about June....
I feel like I'm walking on glass most of the time here.
Something has set me on edge, and it won't go away. I can't find it, but it's picking at me.


Although I'm not attacking myself mentally, that pressure, and the sense of awfulness is still there, lurking in the corner.
If there is a culprit to be had, I cannot find him to point the finger. Nonetheless I find myself walking a thin line with my emotions. The longer this goes on, the more prone I am to starting the attacks on myself. Knowing that this is the case, my neurosis makes me even more uneasy...fun little cycle that one. But that is besides the point....what I'm getting at here is essentially this: What the hell is going on here?
Why am i more prone to freak-outs? Why am I more restless and desperate for mental contact all the time? Why have my thoughts turned so morbid?
In a lot of ways, I feel like I'm sliding backwards. For a while there, I was doing really well. It was easy to look back and say....wow look how far I've come! 
It is painfully obvious to me now that I have a long way to go.
Whatever this insanity is, it needs to piss off and leave me alone.
I'm tired of sleepless nights, bizarre impromptu crying sessions, and a dogging restlessness. 

Perhaps the most irritating part of this is the fact that I can recognize my own behavior as irrational, yet any attempt made to control or redirect such emotions and thoughts leads to a break down of control itself.
Rather than going, "oh that was silly, I'm so glad I decided to do xyz and calm down"
it ends up being "xyz as an attempt at calming myself and reasserting some measure of sanity has failed, and instead caused me to have a panic attack. Because, you know, freecell (or insert any xyz type activity here)  is stressful."
The closer I get to freaking out, the more aware of my logical fallacies I become (until such a point as it ceases to matter). At least in my own mind, its very much so like arguing with bug's bunny. You can argue with as much logic (or il-logic) as you want, doesn't make any difference at all.
( The yelling hasn't started yet, but the screaming hasn't stopped )
For some reason I've found myself walking the borders of my inner abyss. The attacks haven't come yet, but I'm close to it. It's maddening! I've just written a wall of text about nothing to try and reason it out. (apparently without any luck)
*Sigh* If anyone wants to clue me in on the cause of this I would appreciate it.

I haven't ever been asked to pick my own interview date after turning in an application before.

Sometimes I turn on the music to turn my brain off.

 

( The madness the music quiets )

Anyone else suffer from this insanity?

My sense of humor must be warped. I find it terribly funny that what finally threw me onto the bandwagon of fitness was "fuck, I'm too fat to work in a titty bar."
Don't get me wrong, I don't think I look terrible BUT I'm not skinny. My body type however allows for that possibility and it would be WONDERFUL to be able to lift more than 50lbs without a struggle again. To be able to run a mile without wheezing pitifully. 
I'm excited for this.
Thank you titty bars!!!!

Also, eating healthy is really really hard when everyone else kinda wants junk-food rather than health food around. I can't seem to work out how to make this work for me. I don't always want to come home and spend hours cooking for one.  If I don't take quite a bit of time to go get healthy food and make it though my options are pretty limited.
Ah, well one step at a time right?
Maybe I can talk other people in the house into healthier foods :)

That's my two cents for the day.

If I'm going to be honest here, I have to admit that I am pulling for Obama in the presidential race.

Right here is where I am supposed to insert the political rant about how wonderful Obama is and what a terrible person McCain is.
But lets skip that.
I'm not crazy about Obama but at this point I find there is no better alternative.

My reasons?
Getting right down to the meat and bones portions I would have to say it centers largely on the McCain gaffes that have been popping up like mad.
 Example 1.: Iraq/ Pakistan border
 Example 2: "Its common knowledge that Al Qaeda is going back into Iraq to receive terrorist training."
 Example 3: Confusing Shiites with sunnies
 Example 4: The Anbar awakening caused by the surge.

Now don't get me wrong. I don't actually expect anyone running for office to KNOW all of this off the top of their heads. I'm terrible with geography myself and not terribly well versed in religious matters.

But what gets me about this is that he is paying people lots of money to do it for him....and its still not getting done properly. How much do you think you would need to pay someone to double check your facts on key issues involving the war? If this is how poorly his campaign is run....I shudder to think of how his administration will be running three years down the line.

The reason I am actually supporting Obama?
People THINK he is going to help them bring in real change. Motivated people can do a hell of a lot, and its gonna take some man-power to get us back into shape. Do I think Obama's plans are gonna be a magic fix it? No, I am doubtful that they themselves will do much. However, there will be people cheering the plans on and finding ways to make them work....thats what I believe.
It essentially boils down to this then. Obama is charismatic and has a following. This translates roughly into power to DO things.  The people he  hires to keep him looking sharp and informed do their jobs at least semi competently.
Rock on.

    With all of the political propaganda floating around on the internet I found myself entertaining a strange thought.
Most candidates strive to appease the masses. However, I've noticed that often in doing so they dumb themselves down, provide unreliable stances on important issues and get cajoled into corners that should be easy to avoid.
Why then do candidates almost invariably take this route?
If I could get across one simple message to any worthy candidate it would be this.

Do not speak to the sheep. Instead speak to the wolves and dogs that hide among them.

If you could persuade enough strong, intelligent people to your cause they would in turn herd the masses behind them.

 I admit to being possessed with the niavety of youth without a gift of genius  or the inspiring passion that compels the movers and shakers of the world. But I have a voice, and it is heard by more than you would suspect. When my inexperience leads me astray, I am wise enough to listen to the words of those who know better. Why then do you not speak to me? I am no dolt who struggles to understand important concepts. When you are gone dear sir, it is I who will remain to carry the burdens of your legacy. Do I not posses the right to glimpse what burden I am signing my name for?

This game tires me. I struggle for truth and evidence only to be bombarded with trivial facts.
WOW you mean our future President punched someone once in the third grade? Oh, well then, he's obviously unfit for office. No one with a fine moral fiber or intellect would do such a thing at the ripe old age of 8.

And even when I am able to dig past mountains of useless junk to the real jewels i find them clouded and small.
Almost invariably I run into oversimplification that leaves the true message murky and hard to detect.
Effectively  Ecstatic vs happy.

As elections draw closer these problems are exaggerated more and more.

Ah, well. I suppose the whole point of this rant was to say : I understand now why so many people never bother to vote.

I looked up at the sky, and really saw it. I am so small.
Remember all the people of the world, and look to the sky, seeing how small you are in comparison.

I woke up this morning adn discovered that alas, I still do not possess any supernatural powers.I am still just your average joe, working a menial job.
Its not really a crushing realization, its just that dissapointed "oh...."
The wonderful thing about books is also the most terrible you see. Any beloved protagonist invariably has some earth shattering problems to cope with, and work around. All of their emotional turmoil is JUSTIFIED. Of course they were upset when they saw their best friend get shot in a battle to save the world! And so it is, despite the fact that most of our hero's and heroin's have to suffer immensely, that we wish we were living out a tale like that. It is so much easier to cope when you feel justified in your discontents.

I deal with snobby, hungry people all day. Some of them are real asses but I put on my best smile and serve them their sandwich.
When I come home weary from having done nothing important for six hours it feels somehow undeserved. Everyone else does this all the time,  there is no exceptional misery to be found. Just a slow grinding down of...me. There is no villain to rail against, no secret card to be played. I have no allies to call in to help me save something from dire peril. Its just a sandwich place and the most dire peril we will be facing today is a sandwich that was messed up.

I have to awesome battle to fight, no world or society to save....and way too much time to do nothing with.

I wonder sometimes, how it came to be so. Someone I have known for almost 8 years...

Once upon a time, I respected him, even aspired to be like him, clever, witty, and so intelligent. Gods, he was the only intelligent being in Lake orion it seemed.

Now however, I find myself appalled at what he is. Stupid, stupid decisions, day in, and day out. No confidence, or charm to be found. Why do you do this to yourself? Must you really drink and smoke, and pop magic little pills? Why? You were brilliant and now, now you can hardly muster up the cognitive powers to realize when you are being insulted.

I can only hope that one day you will wake from this, learn from it, and leave it. I won't hold my breath.

killing time.

staring at the computer screen,  hoping it will take me somewhere interesting, show me something new.

Little bits of jingles floating around in my head as bubbles would. Each playing an interesting line, or tune when burst, that quickly dies out and fades into the music from the next one.

Sometimes I wonder at the strangeness in my own mind.
 
I come to the strangest conclusions do the strangest little dances in there.  What would happen if other people could see inside of it like I do?

Superman as a toothpaste, duck tape wars in public places........
it would be interesting at least.

It seems my fingers are having a hard time keeping up with my brain. A million zillion zillion thoughts a minute. And it seems to be coming out kind of garbled. Obviously, I can't type that quickly, so you get every hundredth thought or so, that I am able to pause long enough to construct into words. Which leaves you, the unfortunate reader with a message something like this: The cheese...is duckboots.....with a silver platypus.....dancing VCR's.....at the mall book store!

Perhaps it is time for me to stop tormenting you then, and go chasing around those bubbles of music as a werewolf would play hide and go seek with his coloring book.

Recently (meaning oh two days ago) Olesh blew out a tire driving in to work. A massive pot-hole chewed a hole in the side wall leaving us stranded at work until we received some assistance from his dad.
My car decided to take a crap on me, and my exhaust pipe broke leaving it noisy as hell and running like shit.

Today, I decided that I would run my car up to the nearest repair shop and get it fixed up. I called up one of my friends and asked her if she would assist me by driving behind me so I wouldn't be stranded at a repair shop for a few hours as Olesh was at work, and immediately after work, he had to help his dad with some furniture retrieval. The car was dropped off without a hitch, repaired and a good time had by all. My friend and I head back to the house with my newly repaired car and make dinner and just hang out. 10 O'Clock comes around and she decides to head back.
10 minutes later, we get a phone call. Tire blew out. She hit a monstrous pot-hole and heard the death scream of her beloved tire. Although she had the tools, and the spare, she couldn't get the tire off. So we drove over to where she was, keeping an eye out for the lurking beast that decided to take a bite out of her car. We arrive without having seen it. Obviously something blew out the tire... and so the search commences. After a short trek down the road we discover not one, or two, or three potholes, but a  whole series of pot-holes on steroids. The stud that we suspect took out her tire (and her entire rim to boot) was about 2 feet long and had its own mini pot-holes inside of it. The best part of course was that even though we were LOOKING for this beast, it couldn't be seen until you were right on top of it.

Now maybe its just in the small area I generally travel in, but has anyone else noticed that the roads have slipped into such a state of disrepair that pot-holes are springing up like pimples on an oily face?  
It seems like everywhere I go I see roads weeping because they were not fortunate enough to be cared for. The sides are crumbling away, cracks run down the lanes, and  cavernous pits on the road are more frequently seen  than stoplights.

Whoah. Kinda went off an a tangent there. Anyways, I guess this post was really all just leading up to this....
Is there anything we can actually DO about it?

Well, today I was doing some job searching and it has left me a little down-hearted.



I started off looking in the classifieds in the newspapers. 90% of the jobs offered required education or experience I don't (and realistically couldn't) have at the ripe old age of 19. I expected that. Another 8% were the kind of bogus jobs that set off red flags. MAKE TONS OF MONEY FROM HOME NOW!!!!! MAKE UP TO 80K A YEAR! NO EXPERIENCE NEEDED! sort of thing. The last 2%? Restaurant jobs. Still feeling determined, I decided to hit up the internet.

Now here is where things get really depressing. All of the major newspaper sites have so many job listings that they are sorted into categories, then sub-categories, and then listed. What made this part so much fun for me was that it is impractical for me to look into areas where I have little to no experience as I would have to sift through hundreds or thousands of job postings in each category looking for just one that doesn't require qualifications I cannot currently hope to meet. After browsing through what looked like the most promising of the category selections, I quickly became overwhelmed.

One would think that with a proficient working knowledge of Microsoft Office tools, some common sense, and a solid job history, it would be possible to land a job as an accountant. Let me note here that the job description typically includes such things as answering phones,  customer service, and general office duties. Apparently, in order to do those things competently you need at least 3-5 years experience working in an office, or barring that, you need to currently be managing a retail store.

After a couple of hours of searching I decided to abandon the newspapers on-line services and look for jobs on such sites as monster and career-builder.com  Another massive let-down. No, I do not want to pay to post my resume on-line. No, I do not want to sponsor your advertisers by signing up for free* penis enlargement. After finally jumping through all of the hoops conveniently provided for me, I got to the end where all of the promised jobs were waiting! Only to discover that it was the same set-up as the newspapers were carrying and that if I wanted anything different, I would have to pay a pretty penny.

Its great that those with experience in a given field can quickly locate a job. Its fantastic that there are so many job listings and that companies take themselves seriously enough to have requirements.
But its still frustrating when I know that I am capable of doing a job well, and I'm disqualified before I even get to send a resume.

I'm hoping this works. I plan to hit up the troy library today and hunt down some books for drawings.
I've always been interested in it, but....well, there are only so many electives you can choose in High School....and as much as I enjoy it, I cannot really justify spending money to attend a formal class.
I've been experiencing some frustrations as far as drawing realistic people though. As nice as online tutorials are....well. They only cover some very basic things. I am hoping that the library has some books on shading, and possibly on human figures. I know that the one in LO did so....cross your fingers for me?

Hmmm.
I find myself in an interesting situation.
I suppose that a little background information might help.
When I was living in Lake Orion, I hung out with some pretty terrible people. They were stupid, had no ambition, and just generally wasted themselves.
When I left L.O. I broke off ties with 99% of them. After meeting some of the people Olesh associates with, I cannot believe that at one point I actually enjoyed their company. They are not good people.
RIght, not a big deal, make new friends.
The trouble is, I live in Troy now and I don't really know anybody outside the D&D group that I can hang out with. Outside of work, there just....aren't that many people I see.
How does one go about finding good people to hang out with?
As much fun as my fellow workers are, most of them are not people I would want to associate myself with. I am not attending school, and there isn't much to do in troy outside of hitting restaurants.
I am just...at a loss.

i have discovered that i find people frightening.
some people actually believe terrible terrible things about others they have never even met!
i cannot wrap my mind around it.

how can you hate someone you have never met before?

if i told you someone killed 3 people...would u hate them instantly?
what if they were protecting THOUSANDS. what if the deaths were accidental?
i just....
i cannot understand.

that was terrible news. and i think, just about the most depressing email i have ever received. i don't even know what to say.
i am so sorry.

this shall be my last post in cuttingimage.
i wish you all the best of luck and good health
feel free to contact me at anytime, i will still have the same lj name and check lj frequently.
peace.

something i am curious about....
anyone else here like to do a TON of little cuts?
i usually end up doing at least one big one,
but it always starts out with just a zillion little ones....and it seems like most of you who post pictures prefer the deep ones....so i am curious.
anyone else do it like that?

there are very few times when i feel violent towards another person.
this is one of those times.

bitch. if one more lie comes out of your mouth to destroy the friendships i am rebuilding, my relationship, or my life.
i will hunt you down, and make you hurt
a cut and scar to bear for each invisible one you left on me.
fuck with me again.
i dare you.